Even if you've led a quiet and blameless life and never once considered qualifying for the "Mile High Club", the Transportation Security Administration now offers the flying pubic - errr, public! - its best chance for hot airport quickies! The agency, said to be suffering from "tremendous pressure" (hubba hubba!) after detecting plastic explosive in a man's underwear, now offers not one, but two, surefire ways to get that mojo working one last time before succumbing to the dreary sadism known as airplane seating. But not everyone is giddy with anticipation. Most people are peeved and perplexed.
The TSA says public concerns about sexually inappropriate fondling and groping are unfounded. According to a story in The Economist, "The TSA's official blogger, Blogger Bob, says they don't exist: 'there is no fondling, squeezing, groping, or any sort of sexual assault taking place at airports. You have a professional workforce carrying out procedures they were trained to perform to keep aviation security safe.'" Pshaw, Blogger Bob! This is pure puritanical denial. Why be coy? Why not just admit the forbidden allure of the "zipless pat" and the exhibitionistic and voyeuristic thrills of scanned fullbody display? To do otherwise is pure hypocrisy, and the flying public knows it. I would also say that we need to acknowledge the erotic aspects of these TSA procedures so that we no longer subject children to them!
While everyone from President Obama to Representative Ron Paul to National Opt-Out Day say they are "frustrated" by the "enhanced" pat-downs and full body scans - I suggest these invasive procedures could actually be spun to fun! I'm talking a perceptual quantum shift, people - from coy to enjoy! Kind of like switching your inner IPod from The Tubes' "Don't Touch Me There!" to Joan Jett's "Do You Wanna Touch Me?". After all, when's the last time you actually had a perfect stranger offer to grope you with safer sex laetrile gloves? Or been able to party like a sex star in front of a revealing full body scan? I say, let's show those terrorists that we Americans are not afraid to get it on for the sake of homeland security and give it our all, baby!
Since anyone who flies these days is at risk for a close encounter with the TSA, I for one mean to get down with the inevitable and enjoy myself. And you can too. Take it from me, I'm a bonafide sexologist and pleasure is my treasure, if ya know what I mean!
The Full-Body, Orgasmic TSA Pat-Down
Recently, on NPR's "All Things Considered," humorist Dave Barry told how his "blurred groin" resulted in a pat-down. Barry said, "Well, they take you in this little room. And it's an unpleasant little room. The man is putting on the blue gloves. He's telling me how he's going to touch me. And he makes a big point about when he's going to be using the front of his hand, and when he's going to be using the back of his hand. And I'm thinking, I don't really care. Like, it's not like if I'm going to have a guy touching me, I'm going to look down and go, oh, it's okay; it's the back of his hand - you know what I mean?"
Sadly, it sounds as if Mr. Barry's experience was less than the full body tantric revelation it could have been and for that I blame the man in the blue gloves. He could have at least murmured a few sweet nothings into Mr. Barry's ear before commencing with his inspection. I mean, even if we really are just inconvenient pieces of human meat with explosive potential, you don't have to rub our noses in it, do you? If we, as the flying public, are going to do our bit to make pat-downs a pleasure not a chore, we do need the TSA to sweeten the deal a little. For one thing, no more "unpleasant little rooms." We want soft lights, romantic music, and at least a bit of chocolate (preferably free trade with 70% cacao content) to get us in the mood. I mean, it's not like the TSA and I have been married ten plus years - we've only just met! Travellers with more exotic tastes should be offered the option of light bondage or a sturdy, plastic-explosives-detecting vibrator during the encounter.
Unlike some people I know, I don't have a "thing" for uniforms, so I'd also prefer my TSA partner to wear something sensually suitable, like a sillky caftan or even leather chaps.
And while I do want to know just what my TSA partner intends to do to me for those few brief moments we're together, I require a bit of sophisticated flirtation beforehand. Otherwise, I'll pout. I really mean that!
So let's assume that the TSA partner is all he/she/ze should be. The lights are low. The music is soft. And both of you have prepared for the moment with a scrupulous (but unscented) routine of personal hygiene. As you assume the position, what else can you do to make this the magic moment you both truly deserve?
1) Use your words. Terms of endearment such as "baby", "darling," "hunkster", or "cupcake" are perfectly appropriate for these few brief moments of ecstasy torn from a cold, cruel airport security facility.
2) Use your body language. Writhe, twist, tense, and relax as needed. Show - not tell - your partner what you like. Your hand can close over those gloved fingers and move them to precisely the areas they need to explore. It's a whole new take on Masters and Johnson "sensate focus!"
3) Remember to breathe. Take slow, deep, energizing breaths, letting all stress leave your body on the exhale.
4) As your TSA partner presses on your perineum, the home of your root chakra, draw that energy up through your inner channels straight to your Third Eye and the "Cave of Brahma." Zowie!
5) Gaze deeply into your TSA partner's eyes, sending waves of transcendent energy to their inner god or goddess.
6) Go sub-verbal. Express your pleasure with grunts, moans, sighs, and shrieks of passion. Remember, your TSA partner may be having dozens of experiences like this every day, and you want this one to be deeply memorable.
7) Afterwards, remember to express appreciation for your partner. "You're the best" or "I'll never forget the moments we shared" will go a long way towards making your TSA partner's day.
Finally, if you have been excited to the point of orgasm and beyond, do ask for a private restroom where you can clean up a little before commencing your travels.
Travellers have the option for a public pat-down, so hey, go for it! Whatever flies your plane, if you know what I mean!
"Get Ready for Your Close-Up!"
While not everyone wishes to explore their inner exhibitionist or inner voyeur, full body scans can still be more enjoyable for all concerned. Your undergarments don't have to be explosive to be interesting! Wear sexy lingerie, creative thongs, leather harnesses, latex novelties, and other body adornment. However, avoid stuffing your jockstrap or garter belt with plastic Happy Meal trinkets. TSA folks are said to have a droll sense of humor, but this may be going a little far.
I also propose replacing TSA's boring hands-out and pivot position with a vigorous shimmy shake or pelvic thrust in front of the scanner. This would be much more efficacious in dislodging objects stuffed under a capacious bosom or scrotum. In fact, what could be better than an airport revival of Rocky Horror's "Time Warp?" It's sure to be a big hit with travelling boomers. Younger Gen X'ers can simply brush up on their mosh pit or hip hop moves. In fact, the best full body scan performers can be posted straight to YouTube!
Finally, I strongly encourage the TSA to hire a bevy of sexologist consultants to instruct personnel in the skillful implementation of these kinder, more enjoyable procedures. I don't know about you, but I could sure use a government contract or two! Times is tough...
Happy Flying!
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